When it comes to naughty things one can do whilst cruising on the open road, copping a blozza from a prurient passenger is certainly somewhere at the top of the list of car-related kinks.
It beats banging in the backseat and is easily more salacious than a romp in the tray of a pickup. But despite the fact we’ve all seen it happen in the movies and on TV, is it worth the risk of being distracted when behind the wheel, and is giving (or receiving) oral sex while driving even legal in Australia?
The answer, to both of these questions, is a very obvious and resounding “No”.
"Engaging in conduct which distracts you whilst driving, such as receiving oral sex, is actually quite a serious offence”, says former criminal lawyer turned writer and consultant on criminal justice matters Jarryd Bartle.
And though it may seem like a fun idea at the time, the consequences can be pretty damn severe for anyone deciding to get a gobby when they’re on the go.
"Reckless or dangerous driving is an offence in all States and Territories and often carries the risk of imprisonment", continues Bartle.
In NSW, dangerous driving can get you a prison sentence of 9-12 months, as well as some hefty fines and restrictions from future driving if you’re unlucky enough to get caught while you’re gettin’ lucky.
In Victoria, you could get as much as two years in the slammer, not to mention the mandatory minimum sentence of a six month suspension from driving.
That’s a pretty high price to pay for a cheeky beej over the bitumen.
Apart from getting caught, there are plenty of other dangers involved with getting (or giving) a gobby when you’re burning rubber. For one, any pothole becomes an instant potential penis removal (or possible vasectomy at the very least).
Just imagine explaining that one in the emergency room.
There’s also the fact that distracted drivers are one of the biggest killers on the road. A look at just how serious recent crackdowns on mobile phone use while driving have been is a pretty fair indicator of the seriousness of not paying proper attention to what’s up ahead. And that’s just for replying to a text or sending a hilarious tweet: imagine how much more distracted you are when you’re getting some slob on your knob.
Not to mention the momentary loss of muscle coordination one experiences during a healthy orgasm. Surely this does not a safe driver make.
Getting a blowjob while driving (or “road head” as it’s often referred to in the US) made major headlines in 2015 when a Florida man hit and killed a cyclist whilst receiving oral sex.
And while “Florida man” stories are usually so funny and absurd they spurned their own ongoing meme, this heartfelt tale of love in the front seat quickly turned tragic, and the outcome was no laughing matter.
The driver in question, a man by the name of Randy Joe Allen (I mean come on), 54, was seen to hit a cyclist in his 2000 model Ford F-250 pickup truck by a witness who then followed him and called 911 dispatch to report the crime.
When eventually found by police, the fellatrix (can we all just stop for a moment and appreciate how rarely an opportunity comes along to use that word) claimed she had “felt a bump” while the subject of her oral fixation was driving. Allen allegedly slurred to attending police that he had merely hit a stop sign.
The sad truth here is that instead of a stop sign, Randy had hit and killed a 49-year-old homeless man who had to be identified by his fingerprints, such was the damage the hefty truck had caused.
Allen is now serving a ten-year sentence for DUI manslaughter. He also scored a permanent ban from driving, five years probation, 100 hours of community service, and a court-ordered weekly trip to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Another thing to consider is the illegality of having sex in public. Alhough you may be inside a private vehicle, being on a public road where any passers-by could see into your car is not a great place in terms of secrecy, and the odds of somebody noticing aren’t zero.
And though “sex in public” isn’t an offence in and of itself anywhere in Australia, there are plenty of other laws surrounding public indecency that can be applied if the boys in blue catch you with your wang out in full view of other people. These can vary from AUD$200-ish fines for summary offences all the way up to some serious jail time if you are found guilty of an indecent or obscene act.
This said, Bartle’s advice if your hands are on the wheel but you’re feeling a different kind of horn to the one in the middle of your steering column? Just pull over.
"If you can't help yourself, pull over and park. You still may be breaking some indecency and exposure laws, but frankly it is the safer option!"
So next time you’re snaking your way down the M5, Bruce Highway, or Great Ocean Road and feel like whipping out your python for a hummer while you hoon, think again, pull off to a shoulder, and get off the road before you get off.
It may feel sexy and reasonably safe, but the consequences of losing your junk, your licence, or your life definitely outweigh one little blowie.