When it comes to the male member, many have theorised as to the importance of its heft, and the relationship between “having a big one” and sexual happiness, for a very long time.
And while we know that this is all complete bullshit (it really is), one of the stark realisations in the age of infinite information – when just about any fact can be checked by talking to a five-inch panel of glass in your pocket – is how rife the myths are.
From the notion that women love giant dicks and giant dicks only (thanks, porn), to the idea that the average size is somewhere between a rolling pin and a baseball bat (also thanks to porn), many dudes are pretty clueless when it comes to their level of knowledge about what is most likely their favourite thing.
So, in the interests of our favourite thing (bringing you the most informative and fact-based information possible) we’ve done our research to break down the facts (and factoids) surrounding your one-eyed trouser snake.
What do you even mean by “average”?
One of the biggest misconceptions about penises is what “average” really means. There is, of course, a global average, and average sizes also vary from country to country.
And before you ask, Australians come in number 92nd in global standings, with an average wang-size of 5.24 inches in length (so, still a scrape above the global average--oy oy lads).
But what matters most is that the vast majority of doodles fall within a similar ballpark wherever you look.
To get to the point: the average penis is *drumroll* … 5.2 inches when erect.
There’s obviously a lot more to unpack from the numbers that those studies revealed, but in terms of what exactly constitutes “average”, that’s yer figure.
But here’s where the notion of “average” gets really interesting: See, while dicks come in all shapes and sizes, the largest study in the world suggests that the majority are within an inch of each other.
In fact, it’s estimated that only ten per cent of men in the global population have a penis that is longer than six inches when erect.
Length v. girth
If there is such a thing as an “average” length, then by logic there should surely be an average girth too, right? Well the scientists in charge of this study agreed, and made sure this was also measured and tabled.
The “average” girth, worldwide, is 4.6 inches. Sounds like a lot, right? Well, circumferences are deceptive like that, trust us. To give you some context, the base of a paper coffee cup has a circumference of about nine to ten inches (even though its width side-on looks more like two to three).
The feet myth
You know what they say about guys with big feet, eh?
Big shoes. Or at least, that’s what they should say. The trope that having big feet is an indicator of also possessing a sizeable schlong is one of the oldest in the book, and is easily disproved. One study from 2002 set out to specifically debunk this myth, and debunk it it did.
The reality is that while some things correlate for obvious reasons (i.e taller people have, on average, larger feet), there is no scientific proof that having a larger (or smaller) anything is directly linked to the weight of your willy.
The truth about “micropenis”
Short of having a seriously unimaginative name (and, arguably, a cruel one at that), micropenis is one of the most misunderstood and misdiagnosed conditions out there.
“Micropenis” refers to a penis which is 2.5 standard deviations (of the mean) smaller than the average. At least, that’s what it means if you’re a urologist (which, statistically, you’re probably not).
In plain English, your penis has to actually be so small that “normal use” could be difficult or impossible for it to be considered a medical condition.
And as that above study reveals, it’s a miniscule percentage of the population that can claim such a situation down there.
One problem with making the idea of having a small penis a “condition” is how many people there are who are convinced they have a tiny penis, when in fact their penises are around (and in many documented cases above) average in terms of size.
This was observed by doctors in varying studies which were later collated, and is helpful in identifying “Small Penis Syndrome”, or Penile Dysmorphic Disorder (PDD), in men who believe that they have a small penis when in fact they are completely normal.
The grower v. shower debate
Anybody who owns a penis knows full well the deception a cold day can cause when it comes to boasting a big one. Just because you might be able to hang a wet towel from your todger when he’s at full-mast, doesn’t mean you don’t find yourself wanting in terms of what’s visible once the show’s over.
This is all because of the fact that every dick is different, and some go back into their cave a little more than others when playtime is over.
This 2017 study demonstrated that there’s no scientifically provable correlation between flaccid and erect size. Candidates were measured in varying stages of turgidity and the results showed that there’s no set formula.
Some are small on the flop but get to above-average when it’s go-time. Others look big when they’re soft but don’t get too much bigger when erect, they just go hard. There’s no “one” rule and the larger the study, it would seem, the more diverse the findings.
Where do I stack up?
So, now that you’re armed with a sweet set of facts (thanks, science), you’re probably wondering what the scientific community deems to be an “accurate measurement”.
Well, to measure your own tallywhacker the same way they do in the medical research profession, you’ll need a soft measuring tape (akin to what a tailor would use).
For the most accurate result, start by placing the “zero” end against the pubic bone where the shaft meets your pubes, while you have an erection (how you achieve that is your own business).
You’ll then want to measure by laying the tape flat over the top of your penis until it reaches the end (don’t pull it out straight, let it lie against the curve of your weenie). Don’t roll it down over the end for a few extra cheeky millimetres, either, once you’re at the end, hold it out up over the tip and have a look at where your tip registers on the ruler.
To get your girth, simply wrap the tape measure around your shaft at the base and have a look at where the tape meets.
That’s your exact dick size, according to science.
What you do with that information is entirely up to you, but rest assured: what might look a little paltry when compared with a porn star is probably perfectly normal.
And remember, size means nothing if it doesn't work the way you'd like, and taking action to ensure you're happy between the sheets is easy.