Mankeeping: Are you leaning on her more than you think?

Maintaining your mental health is as important as maintaining peak physical performance. Part of living a life of plenty, though, is the support network around you. That could be your family, your mates, and, most importantly, your partner.

Yet that’s something so many men don’t have, with 51% lacking a confidant for emotional support [1]. It all falls within the context of the Male Loneliness Epidemic, in which an estimated 2.3 million Aussie blokes reported feeling a sense of sadness and disconnectedness [2].

Meeting your emotional needs is part of being a healthy, happy man, but when that emotional support is directed at your partner, it can cause issues. On social media, it’s known as “mankeeping”, but what is it and what can you do about it?

What is mankeeping?

Mankeeping is all of the unpaid emotional and social labour women often have to perform to manage a man’s emotional and social life. It shows up in several ways, but it’s a form of constant upkeep that adds to the burden women assume while in a heterosexual relationship.

Examples might include:

• Reminding you to stay in touch with your family
• Being your go-to emotional outlet for every stressor in your life
• Helping you with emotional expression when you can’t articulate

These tasks usually happen in the background. Over time, it can become a female partner’s default role. Not that your partner can’t and shouldn’t do any of these things, but when it’s all one-sided, it can put real strain on relationships.

Why is it happening?

In short, a study from Stanford University puts it down to the “male friendship recession.” In an era when male networks have declined, more women are left to carry the load that friends might have helped with in the past [3].

Mankeeping vs. emotional support: What’s the difference?

Mankeeping isn’t a call to arms for women to stop offering emotional support to men. Although it can be dismissed as “therapy speak” for this exact thing, mankeeping and emotional support are two different things.

Emotional support is a healthy, two-way exchange of care. Your partner might be your life coach, therapist, and social coordinator, but if you’re not doing the same for her, that’s mankeeping.

It’s the same with blokes not stepping up and taking on their share of running the home. And that still happens now, with men performing 12.8 hours of housework a week, the same figure as in 2002 [4].

What a healthy emotional support dynamic looks like in heterosexual relationships

Three aspects comprise genuine emotional support while preventing the emotional work from falling on a single party. These are:

1. Mutuality – This is the big one. If only one partner is asking about the other’s emotional well-being, this isn’t mutual.
2. Balance – Emotional management ebbs and flows. Your partner will lean on you just as you lean on them to create a more balanced dynamic as part of a healthy relationship.
3. Empowerment – You and she take responsibility for your own mental health. That also includes finding other outlets and not placing the sole burden on your partner.

Signs you might be mankeeping your partner

Mankeeping is an extension of the sociological concept of kinkeeping. The purpose of kinkeeping is to strengthen and reinforce family ties, which is traditionally a female activity [5]. Think about keeping family traditions alive year after year.

Signs that you might be engaging in mankeeping include:

• Pushing the bulk of your emotional support needs onto your partner
• Your partner acts as an unpaid therapist
• You rely on your other half to manage your social calendar
• It’s up to your partner to manage your connections to friends and family
• Your partner is acting in an executive function, such as scheduling appointments

Again, this isn’t about criticising that your partner supports you emotionally. It’s about rebalancing the relationship to ensure it's stronger and more resilient.

How mankeeping affects your relationship and her well-being

Unreciprocated emotional labour places immense strain on both your partner and the relationship as a whole. Approximately 71.9% of Australians faced relationship pressures in the past six months, and what we now know as mankeeping is part of that equation [6].

Your partner faces immense hits to her well-being when she’s caught in this doom loop. It degrades the overall relationship and makes it difficult for it to survive, which, naturally, comes back to bite you later.

In terms of her well-being, it often means:

• Emotional burnout from serving as the “fixer” in the relationship
• Reduced autonomy, which eats up her personal time
• Places an invisible mental load, like taking on a part-time job

Over time, this can result in resentment and a loss of the sense of feeling that you are a team. When the dynamic shifts from an equal partnership to one of dependency, you have increased friction, conflict, and, eventually, emotional distance.

It’s all contributing to the ongoing relationship crisis across Oz. According to the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS), more Aussies live alone than ever, with the average household shrinking to just 2.5 people in 2021, the first decrease since the turn of the millennium [7].

Why so many men rely on their partner for emotional support

Relying on your partner for emotional support isn’t anything new. Traditionally, it’s been the go-to norm in heterosexual relationships. As times have changed, we’re starting to see those fault lines crack open.

As for why so many men are relying on their partners, there are three main issues at play:

• Shrinking Social Circles – Men's social networks are smaller than they used to be. Loneliness is a feeling that now peaks in men in their 40s and their 70s [8]. About one in three men reported feeling they lacked close friendships, and that's hitting both the emotional life and social needs of males nationwide [9].
• Social Conditioning – Traditional gender norms paint straight men as being stoic, tough, and self-reliant. Even among peers, vulnerability is considered a weakness, meaning the only outlet is often your partner. That’s why it’s no surprise that men account for three in four of all suicides in Australia [10].
• Lack of Outlets – These two reasons contribute to the third. Many women often lean on friends and parents from a young age, whereas men centralise their emotional support needs on their partners.

A study found that 43% of men were lonely, with the 35-49 age group the loneliest [11]. With so much riding on having a romantic partner to unload on, it’s no shock to see how prominent mankeeping can become, and how that's hurting romantic relationships.

How to build a stronger support network

The answer to mankeeping and servicing your own emotional needs isn’t to man up, toughen up, or start reading more books on stoicism. Whether you’re currently in a relationship or not, it’s about taking charge of your own emotional needs and building a stronger support network around you.

Essentially, it’s about spreading the load, so that your partner isn’t the sole point of pressure. And that starts with acknowledging the need.

Reconnecting with mates and old social networks

Men have fewer friends than ever, with this year’s HILDA survey revealing men have the fewest friends since the annual study began in 2001 [12]. Making new male friends is harder as you get older, but there’s no reason why you can’t connect with your old mates.

In the age of social media, the idea of losing contact isn’t as scary as it once was. Think about people you were once close with who you haven’t reached out to in a while. Don’t wait for someone else to take the initiative because the worst someone can say is no.

Sharing the emotional load more evenly to support the mental load

Speaking out about what’s on your mind isn’t a sign of weakness. It doesn’t mean having to pour your heart out seven beers deep at the bar. Have a real think about who matters in your life in terms of friends and family.

Sparking a conversation can start with just asking how someone is or what’s on their mind. It might be your brother, your mother, or your best mate from uni. Sometimes, all it takes is someone with the bravery and courage to start the conversation.

When to speak to a professional about mental health

Taking responsibility for your social and emotional needs is what it means to be a mature bloke. However, some issues may require expert intervention. Mental health has never been more prominent than it is today, with more clinician-led solutions than ever, including Pilot’s Mental Health Support.

If life’s feeling tough and you can’t see a way forward, you’re not alone. Approximately 43% of Australian men have experienced at least one mental health issue during their lifetime [13].

How you address ongoing issues is unique to you. If you’ve got an issue that just won’t go away, the best way to make progress is to speak to a professional. Schedule a consultation today with your local GP and start the conversation as soon as possible. 

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